I sexually identify as a microwave dinner, because I am ready in 5 minutes, look nothing like my photos, and I'm just satisfying enough for you to want me again when you're desperate.
How to fix soccer:
1. The field is f***ing huge. Shrink it.
2. Too many players on the field. Limit to three forwards, two defenders, and a goalie.
3. Players should get to come in and out whenever they want. Don’t stop the game.
4. Shrink the goal.
5. Ice everywhere
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