I left the B@R Last night with 1 foot on the curb and 1 foot on the road for about 20 yards, when a cop stopped and asked me if I was DRU!NK! I said, "THANK GOD, I thought I was F*!KING CR!P PLED."
My wife almost killed me one night in bed. I didn't know what to do because I didn't recognize the noise. You ever look for a noise? By the time I realized it, I was almost gone. 11 o'clock, this is the noise I hear... (fart sound) She says, 'What's the matter? You didn't hear that?' 'What'd it sound like?' 'Like Superman just flew over the house.'
What's the single most important item in your home that has a value of $1 or less? A brown plastic realistic cockroach nicknamed Freddie. We got it over 20 years ago, I don't remember where or why. Maybe a halloween party? Anyway. My wife and I have been hiding it for each other ever since. It could take months for Freddie to pop up but he always d
amy artworms brown (she/her) @artworms.bsky.social When I was 23, I saw a bunch of really cute velvet furniture on the side of the road, totally nice. Took it in and a year later a friend's new gf came to my house and it turns out I'd stolen her entire living room while she was moving.
ry @ryleemlock So I'm at Chili's and just got hit in the back of the head with a straw wrapper. I turned around and immediately a 65+ year old lady started apologizing saying she was aiming for her husband. Then they both started giggling. If that's not me when I'm older idk.
I can't be the only person on the planet that didn't know that you can just pick a piece of fruit off of a tree and eat it. I had a friend come over a few weeks ago and she was like, 'Carly, why do you have a bag of lemons in your fridge?' And I said, 'Oh, well, I use lemons in my cooking a lot and sometimes I put them in my sparkling water.' And s
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