You know, the key to having a healthy marriage is to simply live in a healthy lifestyle. So, the next time that your wife asks you if she looks fat in that dress, kindly remind her that if she were to question the food she eats as much as she questions everything that you do, she wouldn't be asking that question.
Son: Daddy, what's your favorite kind of bird?
Dad: I really like the Blue Jay.
Son: What's Moms favorite?
Dad: Definitely not the swallow, or I wouldn't be standing here with your nature loving ass.
My Kid: I feel like you're always making up rules and stuff.
Me: Like what?
My Kid: Like if I don't clean my room a portal will open and take me to another dimension.
Me: Well that's what happened to your older brother.
My Kid: What older brother?
Me: Exactly.
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