A QUIZ GUESS MY SPIRIT ANIMAL. I took a quiz on Facebook called 'What's your spirit animal?' I got 'extinct'. I have found this new technique which has improved my memory. I've quit listening to people, so I have less shit to remember. I have an inner child, but I don't think it's mine. I do pay inner child support. I had a colonoscopy, and when it
or use Face ID? Hold on. RANDOM MATT RIFE MEMORABLE MOMENTS. *SOMEONE IS GETTING A PHYSICAL*. You all right? I'm sick, sorry. You're sick? Go home. I paid to see you, I've come to see you. You paid to see me. I'll FaceTime you. You're very sweet. Thank you. Is your cough getting better? I'm sorry. No, you don't have to apologize. It's okay. You wan
It's tough getting older. Went into an antique store, they wouldn't let me leave. Last week I was on stage, they hit me with the spotlight and I started to walk towards it. @ANDYHUGGINSCOMEDY
George Carlin on God. If you read history, you realize that God is one of the leading causes of death. Thousands of years, and all the best wars too, the bloodiest, most brutal wars fought, all based on religious hatred. Hindus, Muslims, Jews, Christians, all taking turns killing each other because God told them it was a good idea. Vengeance is min
The guy that I met was 6'8", 614 pounds. Uh-huh. Oh, hell no. And he was offended at my show. Not by anything that I said, but because of the fact that now at the shows, I started selling T-shirts. And apparently, I didn't have his size. Keep in mind, I go all the way up to 5X on the T-shirts. And he was like, 'You don't have my size.' I was like,
Who are you with? My friend. That's your friend? He wants to love you, he wants to f*** you, b****. Are you wasting his time? No! You're not wasting his time? So he has a chance? Who's single here? Come kiss him. Come here, come here. Stand up. Stand up. You're about to lose your man. Stand up. Real quick! Give her a kiss real quick. Stupid a** b**
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