HAVE YOU NOTICED 'THE' & 'IRS' SPELLS THEIRS? MY FRIEND WAS EXPLAINING ELECTRICITY AND I WAS LIKE WATT? SOMEONE THREW A JAR OF MAYO AT ME I WAS LIKE WHAT THE HELLMAN?! A FEW PUNS MAKE ME NUMB BUT MATH PUNS MAKE ME NUMBER. MY FRIEND DAVID HAD HIS ID STOLEN NOW HE'S JUST DAV. I WANTED TO BE A MONK BUT I NEVER GOT THE CHANTS. A PERFECTIONIST WALKED IN
STAND UP 3. Go to college? Brigham Young. F*** dude. I'm the watchdog at our house. I'm the reluctant watchdog. I don't sleep very well. I have sleep apnea, which keeps my wife awake. I think if it didn't keep my wife awake, I wouldn't know I had it. This is what I get at 3 o'clock in the morning when I have a 6 o'clock flight. Ron, wake up. Ron, w
Can you make fun of her? Your mom is here with her group, and you want me to make fun of your mom? You lost your mind? You know tonight after the show you have to go home with your mom, right? You want to sleep on the street? Which one is your mom? The blonde? That's your mom? Mom, I'm going to make fun of you. You give me your phone number right n
I was a hero, I didn't want to mention it but... you forced it out of me. I was a hero. Who do you think they named the Foxhole after? Hoover?! I was there. I backed up so far in one battle, I bumped into a general. He said, 'Why are you running?!' I said, 'I'm running because I cannot fly, you ass--' Another thing I don't like, I don't give a godd
My daughter has a, has a friend, little gay boy, Justin. Yeah. And I was talking to my wife. I said, you know, Olivia's gonna ask us if Justin can come over for a sleepover. How do you feel about that? She's like, "Well... You know, Justin, il est très gentil. And, you know, I like his parents, so... Yeah, I'm okay. Are you okay?" I said, "Yeah, I'
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