Bro, you guys have a follow spotlight up here?! What is this, the twenties? That was crazy! Did you see that thing followed me? When I was self-soothing, was it going up and down? It was! Did you just speak to me via light? Oh, don't you dare nod at me again, you sentient light. Do not blink at me right now. I will f**k you up! Blink three times if
I'm really bad at handjobs. Anyone else? YES! Yes, I am. I'm terrible. I've been told it's better to give a blowjob 'cause they can give themselves a handjob better than... I do know why they told YOU it was better to give a blowjob. Anyway, though. I am a female comedian. It makes it interesting sometimes. After a show recently, this guy came up t
I'm dating a nerd and it's great because whenever he goes out for boys night and I can't get a hold of him, I never worry because I know he's just sitting in a dark room somewhere painting his Warhammer minis. And the amount of peace that brings a girl, truly enlightening. It's really, are you a nerd too? I watched you look at her like I told you i
I had an I, but I had to have it removed emergency. Why? 'Cause the dick was hitting it too fucking big, bro? Yeah! Oh! How come you had to get it removed, ma'am? Like you said. Hammer. You got a hammer hammer on you? Yeah. Like a hammer? Yeah. No! What's your background? Ethnic background? Hispasian. Hispasian? So you're Hispanic and Asian? Okay,
The UK and the Australian diaspora, they're f***ing spineless, okay? I'm sorry, it's just the truth. They're like, 'I'm too white for brown people and too brown for white people,' you know? Meanwhile, Canadian brown people, they're like, 'Wallahi, if this Walmart doesn't start selling halal chicken, I will convert everyone in the greater West Vanco
DON'T TELL COMEDY. Here's how I get free Starbucks. All the time. I will go to Starbucks, and, ya know, they ask you for your name and I'll tell them in my best African accent, like, "My name is Negus, which stands for 'African Kings'". They're like, "What? How do you spell it?" I be like, "N-E-G-U-S". There's nothin' funnier than seeing your latte
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